The Jacket

At the start of 12WBT I had a goal that I would fit into my gorgeous Ascot hacking Jacket.  I had made the promise or restriction on myself that until I fitted into this jacket that I wasn’t going to ride my horses. This was due to a few factors – mainly the negative impacts my weight and lack of core strength has on my riding, plus I shouldn’t expect the horses to carry my extra weight.

To me this jacket represents so much more than just losing weight and cms. It highlights all the things that I have missed out on due to being overweight.

It represents

•   The pain I felt at each show when it was getting tighter and tighter. And the fear that it might split at the back seams if I moved the wrong way

•   The missed opportunities both within my horses and life

•   The lack of joy I was feeling at my heaviest and the fear that I wouldn’t ever fit into it again.

Well the other day while in my PJs I made the decision to try the jacket on to see how far away I was. I did consider that this could work in a negative way for me if the jacket was miles off fitting- could have sent me into why bother spiral, but thought screw it. And OMG it fitted- like fitted great- buttons done up and everything. Hell I could even move my arms and breathe. Here I was standing in my room with my Hacking jacket on, PJ bottoms dancing around and have a bit of an emotional moment.

I couldn’t, can’t believe that I fit into my 12 week goal jacket in week 5!!! Rang my mum to tell her- lol she didn’t really ‘get it’ so I had to jump onto Facebook and tell 12WBT people, and you guys completely got it. It seemed so silly to me at the time to be getting emotional about a jacket fitting but then I thought about it more and then realised what it meant for me.

So i might be excited about getting my horses backing proper work- but i doubt they are as excited as me about the prospect of their holidays ending

My four beautiful horses (or well 3 horses and a pony)

Maestro, Jack, Bobby and Wesley

So coming towards the end of Week 5 and I have achieved some goals miles ahead of what I was expecting. I looked at what I wrote done as goals at the start of 12WBT and I am excited about the ones that I have been able to tick off

·         I have done a 5km fun run (or in my case walk J )

·         Run/jog/shuffle 1km non stop

·         Fit into my in hand and also my Hacking jacket

·         Lose 4kgs and then 12kgs

·         Bought bathers and actually went to the pool

·         To go to the gym 4 times a week

I think that when first setting my goals, I limited myself on what I thought I could achieve. I now know that I am capable of so much more without my own restrictions on myself. Time to re access and push myself more. Bring on the next 7 weeks and beyond- i will succeed in this.

Changes

 

So during last week and this week I reflected the many changes that doing 12WBT has brought into my life

Visual changes

These are the most ‘obvious’ ones- the ones that I can see and feel and the ones that people are starting to notice too. The top images are of my starting weight of 123.9kgs and the bottom ones were taking Week 4 11.7kgs down and 41.5cm lost. The second image is of the changes in my face- WooHoo my face and my multiple chins were my most hated area of 'fatness' so im so pleased to be getting my face and cheek bones and neck back

 

Something else visual that I’ve started to notice- is I’m starting to CARE about my appearance- I bought Proactive to help with my skin, I put effort into my makeup when I go out. I actually want to look nice because I feel like I’m on the right track to feeling and looking awesome. I always said that I would go back to my natural hair colour when I got thin which is blonde- I’m still debating whether to or not- the age old fight of blonde or brunette heheh

Mental changes

These are the turning points for me- the factors that I know that I will succeed in this endeavour of mine. I wake up feeling fantastic not just refreshed and renewed but just feeling like I’m in the right place. I enjoy exercise- in fact it is more than that- I LOVE going to the gym, giving it my all and that feeling afterwards of all these happy endorphins running around my body ( hopefully its more the fat cells melting away).

I don’t complain- yes I know I am not a natural runner but bugger to that I JFDI. I would say I use to always look for the easiest way out, in exercise, work, and life even. Now I welcome a challenge.

Last Weekend I caught up with the Warrnambool and Surrounds crew to take on Tower Hill- not once but 4 times. I took me 5 years of living in Warrnambool before I even did this walk once- and I’m pretty sure I spent the whole way up and down complaining loudly to anyone that would listen (whether they wanted to hear it or not I imagine). But this time I jumped at the challenge- I changed a work shift so I could go, sure I have breather hard and puffy but this time there was laugher not sounds of a disgruntle person.

 

Lonely. I never use to honestly think how lonely I was, I knew I was but never did anything about it. I moved from Adelaide and came to Warrnambool and I was overweight. SO new place and already unhappy so I isolated myself. And I’ve been doing that for 5 years. It feels like 12WBT was the kick out the door onto the front porch, which I truly needed. I have felt more alive, more myself and more belonging in the last 4-5 weeks than I have in forever. So to the lovely people in 12WBT (whether I have met you or not), to my work place, to Gym people and all the Warrnambool and surrounds Beautiful Girls- I thank you all for giving me an even greater opportunity to succeed

The most important relationship: with Yourself

How many of us joined 12WBT in some part to become more open to the idea of relationships and intimacy?

I joined 12WBT purely for myself- no one else but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t hope that this program might help in my relationships. And not just in a superficial way either.

The saying goes- if I’m not happy or don’t love myself – how could I expect anyone else to be?

After spending 4 years with the wrong person the prospect of any new relationship scares the shit of me – let’s be honest. And then add to the mix my weight and I’m running/walking to the hills far far away. Before my last serious partner I was used to being thin and healthy, but at the end of the relationship I was overweight and VERY unhappy. As much as I might love to place all the blame on him, that would be unfair- it was the usual cycle of unhappy, eat, put weight on, more unhappy, eat some more.

Just because we are overweight does NOT mean that we should expect any less within a relationship. Do not settle for any abuse whether it’s physical or emotional or fall into the thought process of “he will be the only one to love me like I am now”. Chances are if he is like that now he will still be the same asshole when you are thinner, healthier and rocking hotness. I do understand now that I deserve better, sometimes it can just be so hard to see that. Self-worth Ladies- believe it, trust in it.

I don’t know how to date like I am currently- hell I don’t know how to date AT ALL lol. I’m not at the stage yet where I am comfortable within myself, well I am confident with WHO I am, but not the outside version of myself. 12WBT is only the start for me, to starting to re-love myself- all of me, positives, negatives all mixed in. Maybe I might find the right person, maybe I won’t, but being myself and loving me, that is more important than anything else. The relationship with yourself is the hardest one- just some thoughts on how to get that relationship on the right path:

1. Fall in love with yourself. Think about what makes you You. Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You. Before,during and after your 12WBT journey

2. Eliminate Self Criticism. Do you often berate yourself over the tiniest thing? Is there a little voice inside your head that often tells you that you are no good because you are stupid or make mistakes. If you find that you criticize yourself often, make an effort to stop the self criticism.

3. Be Kind And Positive. When you start to think kindly and positively about yourself, the love you have for yourself just grows.

4. Acknowledge Your Effort. It is not always about winning or coming up tops in everything that you do. Many times, it is the effort that counts! Acknowledge that you have done your best, even if you have failed .

5. Let Go Of Worry. Loving yourself requires you to let go of your worry. It is a horrible way to live a life filled with constant worrying. I can attest to that! Worry does not help in any way. It cannot, on its own, make things happen. Only actions can! So instead of worrying, spend time thinking about what you can do.

6. Trust Yourself. Have confidence in your abilities. Know that you have the ability to make important changes for yourself, for as long as you put your heart to it.

7. Forgive Yourself. If you have made mistakes in the past that had caused you to feel less worthy, then you need to forgive yourself. All of us make mistakes; so there really is no need to beat yourself up over them.

8. Be Truthful To Yourself. Loving yourself requires you to be truthful about your own feelings. If you are happy, acknowledge the joy. If you are sad, acknowledge the sorrow. When you are truthful about your feelings, you do not try to lie to yourself or seek to bury your negative emotions. Instead, acknowledging what you feel provides a good guide to what your thoughts are.

9. Express Gratitude. Express gratitude for the person that you are. Feel a sense of gratitude that you are alive and well, and fully capable of making a difference in your life.

10. Nurture Your Dreams. Why deny yourself your dreams? When you nurture your dreams, you would love the life that you are leading.

11. Relax. Give yourself space to take breaks every now and then.

12. Have Fun. Inject some fun into your life. Life is meant to be an enjoyable. Don’t take life or yourself too seriously. If you can think of life in this manner, you automatically relax and quit worrying over things that do not matter.

Feeling the 12WBT love

So today was weigh in day- I do admit going to sleep on Tuesdays and reviewing what I have done for the week.

Did I follow the program 100%, did I stick to 1200 calories- was I under/over? Did I put in during workouts? Did I have too many rest days? Did I drink enough water? Etc etc.

The usual, negative, worrying thoughts- STOP IT!!! I have to say to myself- nothing I say, do or think about will change the result on Wednesdays’ mornings. I take responsibility for all my choices whether right or not lol. And the scale is only a number and a number isn’t able to control how I feel or see myself.

What the scales did show me today was a Mini-Milestone- Since the Official start of Round 3, 2012 I have now donated more than 10kgs to the fat god never to be seen again. 11.5kgs that I will never have to lug around while attempting to do burpees or clothes shopping even J I think about what an impact those 11.5kgs have caused in my life and it is ALL negative. I will use all my tools in my arsenal and my stubbornness to ensure that not only does this 11.5kgs not come back on but that there are other kgs friends to join them.

The non-scale win (still 12WBT related) was opening up my Wednesday Mish email to find out that I was one of the 20 blogs nominated for the most inspirational. So I want to take to time to thank everyone that nominated this blog and who spend the time to read my musing and rambling. I would love to hug the girls that sent me emails of congratulations- it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and I feel completely humbled by all the support- many from people I have never met. This blog was only set up so that I could get my thoughts out into the open and have some writings to show the progress of my journey, both thru weight and mentally too. One of my orginal feelings when i first started 12WBT, was LONELINESS. I might be losing weight but i am gaining so much more in my life with the people that 12WBT has given me the opportunity to met. So to everyone Thankyou- i cannot put into words what your support and belief means to me and i cant wait for all of us to succeed.

As well as my blog there were some other absolutely fantastic blogs nominated- if you haven’t read them- then I highly recommended starting too – I’ve listed the links below. To anyone thinking about doing a blog- GO FOR IT. you dont have to share it with anyone, it can be for only you. I find inspiration in all places- from blogs, from just the way people or, to the enviroment around me.

Sailor Vee

http://sailorvee.com/

Mo Jo

http://bodyimagediaries.blogspot.com.au/

MishM

http://mishsmash.wordpress.com/

Trad

https://www.facebook.com/Traceys12wbtJourney

daynamorphic

http://daynamorphic.blogspot.com.au/

emilyschnickle

http://eatingmovingwriting.blogspot.com.au/

Jules_L

http://theblogofjules.blogspot.com.au/

Leitchy

http://leitchy.blogspot.com.au/

SheHasCuteShoes!

http://shehascuterunners.blogspot.com/

Coco Girl

http://cocogirlbutter.blogspot.com.au/

Caitlinramrakha

http://caitlinramrakha.com/

Monnie

http://thediaryofadietingdiva.blogspot.com.au/

Amydeville

http://theskinnyonamydeville.wordpress.com/

Alyon

http://idontwantfrieswiththat.wordpress.com/

Kipwil

http://wonderwomankipwil.blogspot.com.au/2012/09/giving-up.html

Rach-V2.0

http://www.rach-v2.blogspot.com.au/

Carollee

http://www.finding-carol.blogspot.com.au/

Jcavaney

http://newstartsugarfree.blogspot.com.au/

77Noni

http://fitandhappynotfatandhippy.com/

Week Three finished with a Pink sparkle skipping rope

Wow we are a quarter of the way thru the Round- the first three weeks of the rest of my life to a better Me has come to an end. On reflection these 3 weeks have impacted me in SO many positive ways, and not just in wins against the scales and numbers.

I am now only I'm only 300grms from a 10kg loss!!!! I came into the round with a hopeful expectation of losing 1kg a week but I've smashed that out the water so far- could I start to be wishing to be double digits by rounds end? Bring it on- the more happy dances I do the more calories I burn

Food wise I’m still going with it- I had felt that this was always the weakest area for me- the one place where my will power might weaken and in would sneak Hungry Jacks lol I finding that even given the opportunity to eat badly that I actually don’t want to. I’m not craving the high salt, high sugar, and high fat foods anymore. Treat meal was the Penang Chicken on the 12WBT program and I would be very happy if that was the last meal I ever eat- OMG it is to die for so yummy yummy. I think that by picking a meal from the recipe base I’m not inclined to go too far off the plan- I’m ecstatic will how I’m going but I don’t completely trust myself to not running away with the “treat” aspect = bad choices.

One big Milestone in these 3 weeks is exercise. I’m loving it, I’m doing it and I’m putting all I can into it. I’m embracing the pain/the burn because as disgruntle as my body may be feeling, it feels like success as well. I actually swapped a shift at work yesterday so that I could do gym boot camp in the morning and then SSS with some of the other 12WBTers. I had my towel packed, BYO step and my pink sparkle skipping rope all set for the Skipping Pyramid. I think the last time I skipped was in primary school while singing “Ice cream soda, cherry on top….” , so it might of caused some laughs while we all tried to get it together and into some type of  rhythm but we got thru the 4 rounds and smashed it!!!

9 weeks left to go in my first round- I know for certain that I will be doing the rounds to come after- the support and guidance in 12WBT is something special and unique and so unlike any other ‘diet’ plan out there- this is all about lifestyle. There are so many people that this has worked for, is working for and will work for and I WILL be one of those people and so will you.

R U OK? Day

 

R U OK?Day is a national day of action on the second Thursday of September so that’s today:13th September 2012, dedicated to inspiring all people of all backgrounds to regularly ask each other ‘Are you ok?'

Sometimes Depression can walk hand in hand with being overweight. Or sometimes obesity is a symptom of the underlying issues. However that’s not to say that being skinny or healthy automatically makes you happy. The saying goes you can never judge a book by its cover.

I had been debating whether or not to write about my own experience with depression, as to whether it was applicable with the person I am now or the person I’m trying to become again. But every episode in your life makes you who you are- whether it was positive or negative. And if it might help someone out there that feels the same or has felt the same then that’s a bonus.

I don’t think that I can pinpoint an exact time that I went from a happy teenager to a depressed one. There wasn’t one catalyst, I didn’t one day wake up and decide that I was unhappy; I had happy days and unhappy days the normal mix I suppose. I did move high schools, but I was popular, thin and healthy, had great grades, a good friend base, and competitive swimmer. Looking back on it now I had it all ahead of me. But slowly the “bad days” far outweighed the “good days”.

What was a “bad day” you ask: gosh I don’t know how to really put it into words. For me it was this whole mess of jumbled feelings- I would feel inadequate, angry, sad, dejected, upset, confused, uncomfortable, fed-up all at once. One of the main feelings would be hate- I ‘hated’ myself, my life for no apparent reason. From the outside- I was still the Casey that everyone knew, smiling, happy and very social.

I was very good at waking up, putting on a ‘mask’ as such, and moving on with my day. At the time I didn’t consider my feelings to be on any consequence, I guess I thought everyone had the same battle to stay happy that I did. I might have considered my depression to be a “weakness” or sickness that would go away if I ignored it. The effort involved in appearing to be happy when you are so utterly and absolutely beside yourself in ‘pain’ is huge. Sure it’s not the physical sort of pain but emotional pain is just as bad, if not worse.

Eventually the ‘mask’ began to crack tho- tears would flow more often and not just in the privacy of my bedroom, I had more sick days. I was angry a lot of the time with myself and with my parents. I would wake up and be so scared of what misery I thought the day would bring. My depression as that was what it was, not just teenager issues, had gotten to the point where I just didn’t want to function or couldn’t function.

Right here is where the story gets a little harder for me to write mainly as I don’t know how to put these feelings or thoughts into words. Did I truly want to end my life- NO. Did I wake up sometimes and ask myself would not being in this world make my life and everyone else’s easier- Yes some days I did. I remember the first time I had those thoughts- I was so scared- I didn’t know if I was serious in thinking them but I couldn’t see ahead to any day where I wasn’t just so miserable and full of all these negative feelings. And I felt so utterly alone.

If someone had asked me if I was Ok? Would that of been enough for me to talk? I’m not sure but it might have made me think well am I? And showed me that someone noticed or cared. My own shout out for help was heard by my parents in a way that I’m not proud of now.
Dealing with someone with depression is not easier- I didn’t know how I would wake up, how I would feel. I would say some horrid hurtful things, I think almost so I could make someone feel how I was feeling. I imagine I would have been frustrating too- for someone that hasn’t suffered depression it can be hard to understand that we can’t just ‘make’ ourselves happy- these feelings aren’t a choice we make- they just are. There is no, on/off switch- just a long journey back to happiness or normality.

Depression is NOT a weakness or a sickness- it just is. It is no one’s fault- least of all-yourself. I’m no longer embarrassed to say I suffered from depression- I feel it has made me the stronger women today because of it. Am I happy being obese- Hell No lol am I Happy with the choices I’ve made to be that way- No. But I no longer let that unhappiness or negative rule my life. I choose now to see the positives in each day. I would like to think if you met me now you wouldn’t know about my battle with depression, as I am honestly happy and getting happier every day.

Depression doesn’t pick who or how it will affect anyone. All ages, all appearances so please never judge anyone on how you think they should feel. You might not know how much pain they are hiding from you.

So today; it will only take a minute of your day to honestly ask a friend, co-worker, family member if they are ok? And sometimes that’s is all they need, someone to care enough to ask and then to LISTEN

 

Avoiding the "Wall"

So Week two comes to a close and I have 10 weeks left in my first 12WBT journey.

I’m riding the wave of motivation that is 12WBT and I’m still waiting to hit the wall that could be excuses, red letter days, sickness or the like. I have been lucky in that my first few weeks have been clear of Red letter and external influences too. So I’ve tried to get my routines and organisation down pat before these come along. I am not imperturbable but I want to give myself the best chance to succeed or be able to bounce back and not fall into that dark black hole.

To any one that is feeling this way- please believe me you are NOT alone- We all feel the same and we all have weak moments, bad habits or choices. Use what you have at hand to succeed- that might be friends, family or the forum family J It could be an inspiration video or a quote/poem that reminds you of everything you are waiting/WILL achieve. Whatever gets you back into a positive frame of mind. Lol I know the “journey’ word is used a lot around here but this certainly is a journey- Our progress won’t be straight- it will be the wiggly, curvy line that’s goes up and down the hills. Sometimes I might feel like I’m on a bike going downhill- Unstoppable. Other times I’m pushing that bloody 48kgs I want to lose-up the steepest mountain. Gosh this is going to sound cliché lol But always stay Positive and have Hope. And Self-belief. These might not be with you yet- I certainly lack self-belief but it will come. Stop beating yourself up.  You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.

Plus mistakes do not end your journey- they just give you the skills to compact it next time. I have joined 12WBT to obviously find my thinner, healthier me but also the happier Me. I refuse to let my past beat me into depression or beat myself up for mistakes I do, might or could make. The future is an unknown, but I will welcome each day with a smile and go on from there- however the day may end up.

We have so many tools at our disposal - many thru Michelle’s 12WBT, or family or friends but at the end of the day YOU are the greatest motivator you could find. As one of my favourite quotes says:

“You are powerful beyond measure.  You never know what you are capable of until you push your barriers of comfort, even if it’s just a little bit each day.”

BELIEVE IT

A letter to the Fat girls

I read this on the 12WBT forums and it just resonates with me. We all know and can relate to the feelings of being inadequate, overwhelmed and scared. But We are powerful beyond measure.  We never know what we are capable of until we push our barriers of comfort, even if it’s just a little bit each day.

A letter to the Fat Girl

Hey, Fat Girl.

 Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

 You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

 You are awesome. If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

 You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

 You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

 I bow to you.

One Week in and one goal down

As Sunday nears a close, so does Week One of 12WBT but bring it on Week Two.

I’m still riding the huge wave of motivation and excited and tackled everything head on this week. In the back of my head there is a little voice saying “just you wait for weak moments” but I general squash that voice with a few burpees- trust me I don’t/can’t think much during burpees. I believe there are a lot of us finding this out atm.

Now I went into Week One with a promise to myself that I would try everything once food wise and I have succeeded in this. Whether my taste buds or my fussy pallet enjoyed this is somewhat debatable, however Rome wasn’t built in a day and nor do I think my food horizons will expand in a week (the only thing that will be expanding this whole 12WBT journey I hope lol) I left a lot to be desired with my regular eating times schedule- it was all over the shop. Sometimes breakfast was at 7am or 10am, Dinner at 5pm or 9pm, so this will be something I will focus on to improve during Week Two.

Exercise wise, I really felt like I smashed it. I tried some new classes, went into the gym, and tried some new environments outside and at home for some variety. Trained by myself, with groups and with other 12WBTs. And I’m actually excited about the exercise, look maybe not so crash hot with the pain, red face and hard breathing during the session, but that feeling after you have finished and really put in. The feeling where your legs are slightly jelly-like, where you can actually feel your core muscles under the fat layer lol and you know you will feel it thru your body tomorrow. This feeling for me equals SUCCEESS! I know that might sound strange but I know that if I push myself and make the commitment that the results will have no choice but to follow. I WILL make the results happen for me whatever the time frame.

Now in one of the pre-season tasks of goal setting, I really had to consider what I was after, outside of weight loss, during this 12WBT program. I had the goal of registering and actually getting out there and doing a 5km Fun Run. My family did have a bit of a laugh at my expense as I was always first to have the excuse of I’m not a natural runner hell I’m not even a natural walker lol. But all of that was Before. As of Saturday 1^st September, I competed in a 5km Fun Run or well Walk. Fun walk just doesn’t roll off the tongue as well. I got to put some more faces to names of the local 12WBTs that I hadn’t met before and got a lovely white ribbon to highlight me as a 5km walker.  All in all it was great- I walked the whole way- had dead-weights for legs but had a higher walking pace than usual (I’m a bit of a dawdler a lot of the time). My time was 58mins 50second so in no way is it a world beating time, but for me it is a huge achievement as it meant I actually DID it. It now gives me the opportunity to beat it in my next Fun Run and there will be a next one.

I have had a fantastic week- sure there were some difficulties, things I didn’t enjoy but I don’t acknowledge them- I won’t see the negatives in this journey nor will they derail me. I choose to focus on the positives and the things I have accomplished. Bring on Week Two I say